What I see in the Tilma: A New Prayer Ministry

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I was sitting here thinking about what this amazing Feast day meant to me and how I could bring that to light for you. Sure, I could speak about her being a Latina, Mexican specifically; especially given my #7QT post last week. How I could find the touchstone to relate to this wonderful day in our liturgical year. I then remembered a verse from the Morning Prayer from the Divine Office yesterday and it clicked. Well, three things clicked, actually:

One, reading scripture is good. Very, very good. and two:

1 Samuel 2: 5-7

The barren wife bears seven sons,
while the mother of many languishes.
The LORD puts to death and gives life;
he casts down to the nether world; he raises up again.
The LORD makes poor and makes rich,
he humbles, he also exalts.

I think often of how I cannot have children anymore. I don’t feel as if I have a place to complain, or be sad. I did it to myself. I had my Fallopian tubes cauterized. This means, I burned them, lasered their connection so fertilization could never take place. I thought with my husband’s three children, my son Lexicon, and our last (and only) child together, Little Monk – we had enough mouths to feed – we were like a nouveau Brady Bunch, his, mine and ours.

And three, I would also like to announce a new page on this blog to collect your prayers specific to irreversible procedures that impede your having more biological children. My friend, S and I will pray for you. All you have to do, is gather up the courage to submit your name and as much or as little detail as you like surrounding your situation. Each week, we will offer it up in prayer as our Lady of Guadalupe rearranged the roses in Juan Diego’s tilma.

I wasn’t Catholic then and didn’t know what I was really doing. Yes, this sentence conjures up the scripture:

Luke 23: 24

Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.

I knew what children meant and still mean to me. How I love them and look for children anywhere to kneel before and speak to. I relish knowing how they think what they think. I didn’t realize that I was lasering a connection between myself and future joy after Little Monk. I also had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. I’ll never forget sitting in the ladies room, with my boss in the next stall calling out to me as I watched my unborn baby slip away in a stall. I didn’t stop crying for days. I didn’t speak for longer. I looked like a battered housewife. I wouldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t bear the thought of not having life in me. I was so happy to have conceived after my long, hard struggle with endometriosis, the laparoscopy, the piercing pain as I waited for trains on a subway platforms and a six month imposed menopause in the middle of winter in NYC. It was all too much.

I remember walking into my apartment building after receiving confirmation that the baby was lost and a song was playing in the hallway by Shania Twain. Forever and For Always. I know it’s a love song. But imagine, if you will, a mother who just lost a baby the day before she was to see the little peanut on the screen and these words emanating from a radio, echoing in her ears…

Cause I’m keeping you
forever and for always
We will be together all of our days
Wanna wake up every
morning to your sweet face–always

Mmmm, baby
In your heart–I can still hear a beat …

Reading this as I type it brings me back to that place, looking down at the floor though my big sunglasses as I heard the words. Feeling the rush of life-giving hormones rush out of my body with every step. My usual cheery hello to the security guard was replaced with silence and a walk of mourning. I keep that pregnancy deep, deep within my heart. There are details of that day that I can’t bring myself to write. I still haven’t packed them up yet. I hold them close like mass cards for the dead.

Now, I have spiritual children. Those people that God has placed in my life, my goddaughter L, the pilgrims at RCIA, especially Rosiemer and her daughter V. I find myself wanting to dote on them much like children. I know there will be more, for

The LORD puts to death and gives life;
he casts down to the nether world; he raises up again.

He definitely raised me up again.

So with that, let’s pray:

Virgin of Guadalupe,
Patroness of unborn children,
we implore your intercession
for every child at risk of abortion.

Help expectant parents to welcome from God
the priceless gift of their child’s life.

Console parents who have lost that gift
through abortion,
and lead them to forgiveness and healing
through the Divine Mercy of your Son.

Teach us to cherish
and to care for family and friends
until God calls them home.

Help us never to see others as burdens.
Guide our public officials
to defend each and every human life
through just laws.

Inspire us all to bring our faith into public life,
to speak for those who have no voice.

We ask this in the name of your Son,
Jesus Christ, who is Love and Mercy itself.

Amen.

From CatholicCulture.org: 

Patroness of: The Americas; pro-life movement. Read more about her here.

Things to Do:

  • Start a novena to Our Lady of Guadalupe.
  • If you live close to La Crosse, WI visit the beautiful Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe; if not make a virtual visit. I’ll add that if you’re in Pennsylvania you could visit the National Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe in Allentown, PA (and have lunch with me! I’m nearby!) They don’t have a dedicated website and of course, I thought, hey….I could reach out and do it…then I thought – my husband will kill me if I take one more thing on. ’tis tempting though, no?
  • Read more about this title of Our Lady.
  • Make a sacrifice, say a prayer or visit the Blessed Sacrament for an end to abortion.
  • If your parish is having a pro-life Mass or holy hour try to attend.
  • Have a party, which includes a procession and a special Mexican dinner to celebrate the feast – maybe I’ll make tacos, Little Monk’s favorite!

7dc463c38accaf86fba2b477b54e409bThe Image…

Far from a simple ‘painting’, the image of Our Lady on Juan Diego’s tilma has some noteworthy features that were immediately recognised by the native Mexicans and their Spanish conquerors.

The colour of her skin identifies her as a mestiza, a mixed-blood of white Spanish and dark native, presenting herself as the link between the two races as their mother.

With the sun at her back and the moon at her feet, the Spaniards recognised her as the Woman of the Apocalypse (Rev 12:1), while the native peoples saw it as her having power over the blood-thirsty Aztec sun and moon god.

She is pregnant: the black sash normally worn at the waist by Aztec women is worn higher up during pregnancy.

Her tunic is covered with symbolic gold flowers. The Jasmine flower that is positioned over her womb identifies her child as divine and that this omnipotent being is reachable by any human being through his mother.

Her posture indicates a profound humility. Significantly, her entire body is in motion with one knee bent in a dance-step position which was the highest form of prayer for the Aztecs.

Read more about the symbolism of the image here.

If you’d like to add your name to a prayer ministry for women who have had miscarriages, I (and my friend S introduced me to her) suggest making your way here.

My Top Ten: Books

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booksOnce upon a time, I did read novels, classics and works of fiction. I progressed into memoirs, classic literature, and then my burst of fruity flavored goodness – Catholic writing. I saw this article and by the Huffington Post in my Facebook feed and instantly loved it. Which is odd because I am not crazy about the HP. I am crazy about the other HP…Harry Potter. I digress. It is 31 Stereotypes About Book Lovers That Are Absolutely True I am CRAZY for books. Absolutely nutty. You’ve seen my nightstand. And that’s just my nightstand. After reading that list, my friend Emily asked a few people what their Top 10 books were. Links provided for your convenience (using Amazon, but with affiliate links for some of my fav Catholic peeps). In no particular order, here’s my list. Care to share yours?
1. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
2. The Great Gatsby by
3. Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein
4. Hard Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World by Haruki Murakami

1. The Catcher in the Rye
2. The Great Gatsby
3. Lord of the Rings
4. Hard Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World
6. Paradise, Piece by Piece by Molly Peacock (this one actually inspired me to write back in 1998 when it came out!)
7. Awakening by Kate Chopin
8. La Nouvelle Héloïse by Jean-Jacques Rousseau
9. A Room of One’s Own by Virginia Woolf
10. Alice and Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

Can’t wait to see what yours are so I can add them to my list!

Mary Found

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nightstand

These are pics of me and my two boys when they were babies that I keep at my bedside as well.

Last night, I gave my talk on Mary and I think it went well. I’ll never really know, because I don’t dwell in the hearts of the pilgrims to understand the affect, if any, I had. I laid out a picture frame with my favorite picture of Mary, a white candle, and my statue of her. I brought my iPad to show the pilgrims a scene from The Passion of the Christ as well as a book to read from.

I didn’t have a very concrete plan, because when speaking of Mary, you have to come from the heart, not the head. I think that having an outline works, but you have to be able to “speak Mary” to get others to “feel Mary“. I started with a prayer from A Book of Marian Prayers given to me by Loyola Press. (We also were able to get one for every pilgrim with a very generous discount from Loyola Press) for the Immaculate Conception:

Father of all holiness, by the foreseen merits of Jesus her Savior,
you preserved Mary his Mother from all sin,
even at the moment of her conception.
By her unceasing intercession,
may the Church be holy and without blemish
and stand rejoicing in your sight
when Christ comes in glory
to judge the living and the dead.
We ask this thought the same Christ our Lord.
~Amen.

Then I began reading some notes about Mary’s importance as the Mother of God, Mediatrix, Mother of all, the New Eve, how there could be some confusion about the timing of it all. Wouldn’t it be a little anachronistic for Mary to be Mother to someone that predates her?

Hebrews 13:8

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Jesus is the Word made Flesh. He chose Mary specifically for this purpose. She is part of the Divine plan.

I talked about how it must have been for Mary, to be greeted by an angel. How there is a misconception that angels are sweet and cherubic – they are fierce and to be feared. They are sent by God. Can you imagine the brightness of standing before an angel? The fear it must have invoked in her?

annunciation

Henry Ossawa Tanner, The Annunciation, 1898. Oil on canvas, 57″ × 71½”. Philadelphia Museum of Art.

Catholic Digest writes:

Contrary to popular thought today, the appearance of an angel is not an event marked by sentimental sweetness and happiness. The biblical characters always demonstrated a respectful fear when an angel appeared. They knew that angels did not come to make life more serene, cheerful, and contented; usually they turned life upside down. The angels always do more than simply manifest their presence. They demonstrate God’s power and often point people’s lives in a different direction.

Among the many functions of the angels in the Israelite and Christian traditions, their role as intermediaries is crucial. They are constantly crossing the divide between God and humanity, bridging the gulf between heaven and Earth. Because they are in direct touch with God, angels reveal God in their very essence. They help people on Earth to perceive divine power in the world and prepare them for ever-deeper experiences of God and ultimately for union with God.

I wanted the pilgrims to put themselves in her shoes. I wanted them to understand the humble parts of Mary, when she says:

Luke 1:34-35

Mary said to the angel, “How can this be, since I am a virgin?” The angel answered and said to her, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; and for that reason the holy Child shall be called the Son of God.

Her question, “How can this be?” doesn’t show that she doubts God. It shows that Mary is human. If an angel in all of it’s might appeared to you and said you have a key role in man’s salvation history, your response would not be, “Where do I sign up?” But, “What? Who, me? Surely not!” It’s this glimmer of humanity in Mary, her approachability, that I felt called to impart to the pilgrims last night. I wanted them to see Mary as their Mother both real and spiritual. At this point, I read a passage from this book by Ann Spengler, titled, Women of the Bible.

I was supposed to give a personal witness as to how Mary changed my life, but after reading this, I knew I had to share it with them. Please go here to read the passage.They cannot be downloaded. I highly recommend getting this book instead. It’s reflections for 365 days for all of the women in the Bible. I don’t have any ties with the author or publisher – well maybe I do, if you consider God the read author and publisher! My husband got me this book on a whim last year while out with the boys. I didn’t read but a few pages – because I always have so much to read. As I was looking to put this presentation together, my eyes fell onto this book. It’s like Mary wanted to be known in this way last night, on the Solemnity of her Immaculate Conception.

After reading this to the pilgrims, I decided to play the scene from Passion. I turned off the lights so the screen could be seen. All that was on, was the flickering of the light and the glow of an iPad that didn’t want to connect to the hotspot! So in the dark, I decided to sing the Ave Maria (as requested by my Deacon) instead. I could notice that most eyes were still closed from the reading so when I began to sing, I took it as a good sign.

Deacon TC added some helpful information about Marian feast days, and expanded on my notes from the Catechism that I’d referenced.

The hotspot connected and we were off to watch. Again, I wanted to show that Mary, Immaculately Conceived, and without sin, was still human. She, at first, doesn’t want to see the pain and torture Jesus goes through. As a parent, a sister, a friend, would you? It’s too much. Aren’t we that way? We want to run and hide. We don’t want to see it. But, she knows, she remembers her Fiat. Her yes, to God.

Luke 1:38

And Mary said, Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word.

This reminded me of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane when he pleads:

Matthew 26:39

And he went a little farther, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.

He too feels it’s too much, but remembers that it’s God’s will, not Jesus’. Not Mary’s, and not ours.

In the end, I wanted Mary to be for us a companion. She is a Mother, a Daughter, a Wife, a Friend. A true companion. An approachable saint, the first saint. One who struggled, feared, was pained, suffered loss and had real human emotion.

And God used her anyway.

Second Sunday of Advent: Sweet Gifts #VeilProject

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I wore a skirt and blouse, with a cardigan and heels to offset the beautiful litugically, purple eternity veil that I received from Liturgical Time. I felt so serene walking into mass. I can barely describe it. My face felt aglow and I didn’t even notice that my feet hurt. When we opened the doors to the church, we were asked if we wanted to present the gifts. Of course! We sat in the specially marked pew and I handed out my little rosaries for them to pray with. I took out my St. Dominic rosary from Tiffany. I pray it when I want to feel weight behind my prayers. She prayed with them for a while before she gave them to me, which makes them take on a very mystical quality indeed. They are always in my pocket and I feel around for them when I am nervous, much like Bilbo and his precious ring.

During mass, I nudged Little Monk and Lexicon to keep their hands folded during prayer times and grabbed Little Monk’s hand as I followed along with the readings in the Magnificat. He can’t read the words, but he can recognize sight words like “the, and, to, little, Pam and cat”.  During the reading, this caught my attention and I knew I was being spoken to:

Romans 15:4

Whatever was written previously was written for our instruction,
that by endurance and by the encouragement of the Scriptures
we might have hope.

I have been reading more scripture this Advent with my Magnificat Advent Companion (and the usual  - but never really – Liturgy of the Hours). Recently, I was prompted to read the book of Job during adoration as a comfort to me in my struggles. I have what I need in His word. Thank you Lord for putting it so firmly on my heart to read what you have left me, that I might not be alone.

During the homily, our priest spoke of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. The second graders made their first confessions just the day before. He tied it to the Gospel reading for this week:

Matthew 3:3

Prepare the way of the Lord,
make straight his paths.

I instantly knew that God was calling me to confession. I like going to confession, but I haven’t been. It has nothing to do with lack of desire or need. Not wanting to make waves, I always tell myself I will go next, week. Next week comes and, well, you know. Not yesterday. I was in a veil and in heels! It was happening. I am getting ahead of myself…

The gifts.

I walked down the aisle with my family as if God himself were holding my hand. I was smiling and happy. Joyous and peaceful. So much so, that I didn’t even notice anyone looking at me like I was odd for wearing something I hadn’t before (so noticeably anyway – I have been veiling for about a month now). Everyone smiled back, that I could see anyway. I felt as light and as airy as the lace surrounding my head.

#VeilProject and Tattoos :)

#VeilProject and Tattoos :)

The rest of mass was glorious. Afterwards, I flitted about like a butterfly, kissing everyone sweetly because I found their nectar so alluring. There is nothing like that fresh out of mass smell! I made confession with Lexicon and we prepared ourselves for the coming of the Lord.

If you haven’t, please head over to Silver Hill Treasures. One lucky winner will receive this authentic Spanish Medallion mantilla in the color of her choice. Enter through December 12th, or as I know it, Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe!

Please link up over at Life of a Catholic Librarian where we will be sharing our Second Sunday in Advent reflections for the #VeilProject. I hope to see you there.

Pax

Catholic Woman’s Almanac {CWA} Vol. 24 Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception

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immaculate-conception-ukToday is the feast of the Immaculate Conception of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Many early Fathers, including Justin Martyr, Irenaeus, and John of Damascus commented on Mary as the “new Eve” who was free from sin. The feast came to Rome in the ninth century. Church dogma, formally proclaimed in 1854, teaches that “from the first moment of her conception the Blessed Virgin Mary was, by the singular grace and privilege of Almighty God, and in view of the merits of Jesus Christ, Savior of mankind, kept free from all stain of original sin. – Taken from what else? DivineOffice.org

Link up over at Plain Grace (formerly Suscipio) and meet other wonderful, faith-filled women sharing their week.

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Gratitude
::Sacramentals ~ holy water, blessed oil, rosaries, statues. I was carrying them around with me like a gunslinger – on each hip!
::My friend S, the Knit Whisperer, she has been holding vigil over me for 24 hours now in silent prayer from afar.
::Ice on evergreens
::The rosary lady. She gave me such a sweet gift for helping her make rosaries for her apostolate. Don’t cheat and scroll!!
::God not letting me cry

Praying
::Please pray for my a friend of S. This woman slipped and fell on her front steps last night and broke her arm. Please pray for healing!
::Special intentions. I am praying a whopper of a novena. The 54 day grande dame novena, in fact called the Rosary Novena to Our Lady. I am doing this with my friend Tiffany. We are at the Thanksgiving part of the novena. I will share with you soon how I am praying this in the hopes that it helps you.
::H. He has cancer. I have asked for prayers before, but I am asking again. We sang in a Christmas concert this weekend and he wasn’t there, made me miss his funny presence.
::My Lay Dominican brothers and sisters.
::Peace. I need peace.
::My husband. Why? Because I love him. Because he needs me, more…because I need him. He just got back from an appt with the doctor – I don’t want to give too much detail, but praying for his health and healing.

Thinking and Reflecting
What happens when you go to confession and you don’e receive a penance? Does Jesus (in persona christi via my priest) think I suffer enough that I don’t need penance? Did my priest forget? While, according to Fr. Z’s blog:

We are obliged to do penance for sins that we have committed. This is a matter of justice.

That said, the imposition of a penance is not required for validity of the absolution.

So while the confession passes the validity test. I can’t help but notice that yesterday and today have and are hard days for me. I am offering up all of my personal suffering to God. I am calling, by name every saint I can think of to “make haste to help me”.

I wonder, if this “coincidence” of not receiving penance was because the past 24 hours were coming. I slept with my hands clutched tightly around my rosary for two hours, the rest of the night was riddled with nightmares and physical raw-ness. The only way I can explain it. Regardless, I have asked for reminders to offer this all up throughout my day. What else am I to do with it?

Hearing this hymn (you can hear it on Divine Office Morning Prayer, right now!)

Mary the Dawn, Christ the Perfect Day;
Mary the Gate, Christ the Heav’nly Way!
Mary the Root, Christ the Mystic Vine;
Mary the Grape, Christ the Sacred Wine!
Mary the Wheat-sheaf, Christ the Living Bread;
Mary the Rose-Tree, Christ the Rose Blood-red!
Mary the Font, Christ the Cleansing Flood;
Mary the Chalice, Christ the Saving Blood!
Mary the Temple, Christ the Temple’s Lord;
Mary the Shrine, Christ the God adored!
Mary the Beacon, Christ the Haven’s Rest;
Mary the Mirror, Christ the Vision Blest!
Mary the Mother, Christ the Mother’s Son.
Both ever blest while endless ages run.
Amen.

Mary the Dawn; Medieval English text; Gregorian Tone 4, setting by Paul Crosssung;
Mary the Dawn by Kathleen Lundquist is available from Amazon.com

Cooking
Tonight it will be spaghetti with meat sauce. Not fancy, but very comforting on a cold, icy, wintry day as this one.

Homing & Making
Christmas lights make me happy. I noticed that the garland I strung around the banister was out, so I tried, in vain to replace the bulbs that looked out. After about 45 minutes, I used some Puerto Rican ingenuity and just strung regular lights around the newly replaced bulbs that were still out and I had no patience to figure out. There you have it, homing and making – Cristina style.

Around the Web

In preparation for my presentation at RCIA tonight on Mary, I am going to show that scene from Passion of the Christ where Christ is carrying the cross and Mary, watches. I won’t even link to it, because it’s too sad. Pray for me.

Captured

From the rosary lady. Can you believe it? I didn’t have one and always wanted one. It was on my list – ask and ye shall receive. Isn’t it beautiful?

Vintage Mother of Pear Miraculous Medal

Vintage Mother of Pear Miraculous Medal

holyfamily

The Holy Family: In the chapel of my church. Never noticed it before.

photo 2 (1)

Can’t remember where I found this but I love it.

And because I need it

St. Therese, pray for us!
St. Maximillian Kolbe, pray for us!
St. Dymphna, pray for us!
St. Dominic, pray for us!
St. Monica, pray for us!
St. Albert the Great, pray for us!
St. Augustine, pray for us!
St. Michael the Archangel, pray for us!
St. Joseph, pray for us!
St. Paul, pray for us!
Mary, Undoer of Knots, pray for us!
Mary, Mother of God, pray for us!
Elizabeth Leseur, Servant of God, please pray for me!
All you Saints, Blesseds and Servants of God, pray for us!

7 Quick Takes Vol. 6: I am a Misfit #7QT

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I need to get this out so please bear with me. Some of my friends are Catholic, some are not. Some are white, some are not. Some are belly dancers, others are Anglican-Catholics. Some are atheists, and still others could care less about God and are even homosexual. Some have had abortions, some just won’t have children.

So what are they really? They are really God’s children. What are they not? They are not to be judged. Even Pope Francis said it best:

“Who am I to judge them if they’re seeking the Lord in good faith?”

Granted he wasn’t talking about my friends to be sure, but he is infallible! So, I will extend that blanket to them. It was even in the readings on Wednesday for #Vespers

READING 1 Corinthians 4:5

Stop passing judgment before the time of the Lord’s return. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and manifest the intentions of hearts. At that time, everyone will receive his praise from God.

It was also listed in the intercessory prayers for Vespers last night.

Christ Jesus, you come among us as the Son of Man,
– transform those who know you into the sons and daughters of God.

I pray the Liturgy of the Hours which are psalms, readings and prayers recited the world over. The Holy Spirit prompts me as I write, always. These prayers are not coincidental.

So with that, I thought I would share with you who I am, or who I think I am, because you know, God has a plan for me that I don’t have access to. He gives me just enough bead to pass to the next mystery.

— 1 —

As you may have seen, I am a Latina. Specifically, I was born in Bushwick, Brooklyn, in NY. I am the eldest of 7 children. I do not speak with most of my family. My mother and father were never married – yes, I would be considered a bastard child! But she remarried and they are Mormon now. I don’t have contact with my biological father. He, too, was quite abusive. I tell people who ask that I don’t know where he is, but that’s a lie. I know exactly where he is, and he can stay there. That’s all I’ll say about him. I was pushed to marry a white man and not a black man. Because why wouldn’t you want to marry up?! We were raised without speaking Spanish, learning to dance salsa, learning to cook typical Spanish food, going to mass or having any accent that would be associated with what you would “light bulb” oh yeah, she’s Rosie Perez, or Jennifer Lopez – you know.Those kinds of Latinas. Real Latinas. I was never considered a real Latina. I was always interested in learning, teaching, writing, reading and helping those who couldn’t help themselves. In elementary school, I remember looking for the most picked on children and befriending them. I am fiercely loyal – and maybe now that I look back, this is the only identifier, to others in my neighborhood, that I “checked out”.

— 2 —

I was baptized Catholic, but never received my Sacraments until recently when I came into the faith at Easter Vigil 2012. My faith journey wasn’t easy, but it’s mine and it’s perfect in all of it’s perceived imperfections. My mother wasn’t religious and didn’t really give me any kind of faith, other than faith that I would have 3 meals a day, a roof over my head and education. Those were things you could see. Tangible things. I never connected to faith until I was alone. We moved to PA from NY three years ago. We moved to a place where there were no family, friends, or acquaintances. I didn’t even know how to get to the supermarket or where it was. There were no distractions though. God put me there, so I could hear Him. His whispers.

— 3 —

I am not a typical Puerto Rican – or Nuyorican, if you will. I learned Spanish in school, how to cook Latin food from a book and will start taking (and learning) salsa lessons at the end of the month. In high school, I was too “white” to be Puerto Rican, and I was too “dark” to be white. I hung out with musicians and other misfit “toys”. I basically sang my way through High School. I went to college (a few times) but the first 5 years of my college education were spent in Texas. A New Yorker going to college in Texas? Can you imagine? I love me some Texas, but back then (and not too long ago) the assumption was that I had AIDS and was a lesbian, just because I came from a filthy, big, Sodom-esque city. So that’s what they assumed, and I ran with it. I identified with my feminine wiles as my currency, because it’s not like anyone else wanted me. I dated too many boys. I didn’t care about my worth. (Sorry God, for not recognizing that you wanted me then).

— 4 —

I am covered in tattoos. Yes. I am. I have a naked geisha girl covering my entire upper arm (supposed to be me) with my two little boys in flowers at the base. One on the back of my neck and another on my hip. My back, is covered with a phoenix and it whips around my other hip. Why a phoenix? Well, it’s told that when they cry, it sounds like opera being sung (which I sing), their tears are good for healing (amen) and always rise from the ashes in my life. I know this is *not* very Catholic. I am planning to have more work done on my birthday and will get my other arm started next year. I love it. I do. And my priest has a tattoo too.

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— 5 —

I don’t talk about music much. It’s only recently that I shared it with you. You see, music has always been a currency in my life. Believe me, I am being modest. When I sing, people listen. People are touched. People are moved. All they hear is music and then, it seems, I go away. I’ve been made to believe that I’m not good at much else. Not writing, not teaching, not math, not even motherhood. This is what I was told or experienced growing up. I was picked on for being musical in Brooklyn. I was picked on because I got early acceptance to Fiorello LaGuardia HS (you know, that school from the show Fame, yeah.) Other kids actually wanted to meet me in the schoolyard to beat me up over it. So, when I figured out that my voice was becoming me, I hid it. I wanted people to know me, and see that I am more than just a singer. You may think it’s stupid to waste a God given talent. And it is, but it’s something that God and I have talked about and will continue to. We’re figuring it out and I am slowly “coming out“. Thank you Blessed Mother for leading me.

— 6 —

I cannot have any more children. I have endometriosis and had a miscarriage, then had Lexicon. I have endured quite the reproductive journey. As such, I wanted it all to be over. I have three step children who lived with us so I thought our family could be complete. After Little Monk, I had a tubal ligation before I became Catholic. I regret it every day of my life. My step children left and we’re blessed to have the boys, but I cry about it. I’m sad about it. It pains me a little when I see babies. Ok, it pains me a lot. I love their feet. I love breastfeeding. I love their little coo’s and sighs. I love how they feel when I nap. How their little, soft hands wrap around my pointer finger. I just love babies. All of their wonder and promise. I love being pregnant, I love motherhood. I relish it. My tubal ligation is not reversible and no, I won’t adopt. My husband and I have talked about it quite a bit and even spoke with our priest. If the Holy Spirit doesn’t come and burn me up with the desire to adopt, he said to keep praying on it. No flames here, but I am getting more spiritual children. I am the confirmation sponsor for two people this year and was asked to be a Godmother to my sweet girl, L. See? God’s hearing my prayer and answering it, His way.

— 7 —

I want you to know a little more of who I am. I don’t know if I’ll ever get it all out there, but I feel that I have to share. Some of my friends are different. Some of my friends are feeling a little exposed because of their differences and I, a very protective, pitbull of a friend, am here to help in my own way. By exposing myself. In all of this contemplation and thought around being a misfit and judged so many times myself this topic has been simmering for a couple of weeks now. I am coming to realize that I am just beginning to learn who I am, now. I am not a tattoo, or a particular faith, a talented singer, a writer, a bastard daughter, or a fake Latina.

What I am is a wanted child, a loved child of God. That’s what we all are.

Fin de la historia.

Don’t judge, lest ye be judged. Matthew 7:1

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Our Time for Prayer with St. Nicholas the Wonder Worker

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Now let’s pray a special St. Nicholas Prayer

Loving God, we thank you for
the example of St Nicholas,
who fed the hungry,
brought hope to the imprisoned,
gave comfort to the lost,
and taught the truth to all.

May we strive to imitate him
by putting you first in all we do.

Give us the courage, love and strength
of St Nicholas, so that, like him,
we may serve you through loving
our brothers and sisters.
Amen.

I hope you enjoy the new day we set aside for prayers. Fridays. My favorite mysteries are the Sorrowful Mysteries. Today though, in preparation for Advent, I would like to gently turn my focus on His birth. I hope you don’t mind.

The Nativity Lorenzo Monaco (Piero di Giovanni) (Italian, Florence (?) ca. 1370–1425 Florence (?))

The Nativity
Lorenzo Monaco (Piero di Giovanni) (Italian, Florence (?) ca. 1370–1425 Florence (?))

 Please leave your prayer request below. If you do not leave your prayer request in time for my hour of Adoration, not to worry, I’m praying for you anyway.

Pax.